Why can men interrupt your sleep if:
A) You only met him once for lunch.
B) He texted a week or so later, while you were waiting for him at a table in Soho House, to say that we are both too busy and live too far from each other to even have a one night stand. As a result, the waiter clattered to remove a set of knives and forks and two glasses.
“Nobody should FaceTime me at 5 in the morning. The only view they got was Gracie’s buttocks’
This morning I was awakened at 5:18 am by the man I had met for lunch who had chased me before looking up my address on his sat nav and decided it was too far on the eve of our second date. He was facetimeing me.
Who FaceTimes Someone at 5AM? Especially me, who looks like a dead turtle at that hour. Even though I lie on four pillows like a Victorian consumer to avoid puffiness, and after all I have brand new eyebrows.*
It’s strange, because earlier this week he had sent me a map of New York with the location of Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment and the message, ‘I wonder if she’s there? My friends don’t even know who she is!’
At first I was surprised. Then I realized he must be on a mini vacation with male friends (a woman, every woman knows who Carrie Bradshaw is), but honestly, who cares? You are nothing to me! Later in the morning I got a text that said, ‘Your beauty is not your hair or appearance. Your beauty is you.’ Oh, fuck off!
I have to stop underestimating myself. I remember going to dinner with a friend just before the pandemic. She asked about Nigel, the photographer who lives in Australia and told me to just get on a plane to Sydney. “He will never find someone as funny and interesting as you!” she said.
She was right. But now it’s too late: he has a partner and has just taken delivery of a puppy**. We often know what to do, but lack the courage. Are riddled with self-doubt. What if he had rejected me when I landed, eyes puffy and dehydrated? After all, he knows I exist. He could have chased me. These are the things we tell ourselves when we’re not brave enough to go for what we want.***
Just went for lunch with a friend. Outside, and not even under canvas as she thinks canvas will get her Covid. She has already started stockpiling because of the war in Ukraine and, as we live near the largest military base in Europe, she continues to send me links to properties in the Highlands. “I can’t leave my horses behind,” I keep telling her. The house next door has a basement, so I think we’re going to hide there. I can’t carry four collies.
Mini was so excited to see my girlfriend, she started bouncing and jumping up. I was wearing leggings, which meant she pulled them up on my knees, exposing my very saggy M&S pants (I only wear Myla if there’s a chance a man will take them off). My friend laughed. A man would have been embarrassed or made an inappropriate comment.
I have not responded to this man who woke me up so rudely, who is probably bored and regretful despite being on vacation in New York. They always regret. Chippy back then, if you take them to the French Embassy in Kensington for a fashion show, or to Marrakech with Blur, or to meet Dave Gilmour for a movie screening. Thinking you’re working too hard, they go out with a normal woman and spend every weekend at Sainsbury’s.
On FaceTime, this man’s only view was Gracie’s buttocks, next to me on her diaper aisle. Hairy and incontinent. I suspect he thought it was me.
*You can read about this process in all its gory details at dailymail.co.uk/femail
**Never underestimate a woman’s ability to stalk you online
*** I do this in my career too
Contact Liz at lizjonesgoddess.com and stalk her @lizjonesgoddess
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